Glowing Rocks
by WombatWitch
Summary: Alfred and Arthur are forced to come clean about their respective secret agencies. Crossover with Stargate SG-1 & Torchwood.
1. Hammond's Sorrow

Author's Note: We do not own Hetalia, Torchwood or Stargate SG-1. This is a joint fic between VampirePaladin and Vampire'sPhoenix. We have modified the timelines and events of both Stargate and Torchwood to make everything fit nicely. This chapter is by VampirePaladin.

General Hammond was a good leader of men and women. He knew when to bend the rules and when to be a strict son of a bitch. When new personnel joined the SGC, which was more often than he would like, he made it a point to at least learn their name within twenty-four hours. All of his people where highly skilled and were the best of the best. He valued each and every one of them. It did not matter if they went through on dangerous missions, or just made sure everyone had a warm cup of coffee.

SG-1 was normally his pride and joy. They were his best team and had saved the world from many threats. Right now it looked like the leader of SG-1, Col. Jack O'Neill, was going to be scrubbing toilets for a very long while. Actually, now that he thought about it, all of them could join him in the joys of scrubbing military porcelain clean enough that he could shave with the reflection.

Hammond had come into his office just like he did multiple times a day. He had his hot, black coffee just like he always did. The chair creaked as he put his no longer exactly skinny body into it. All of his files were just where he left them. The bright colors of his computer's screensaver were the only signs of life. Everything was just as he left it, exactly the way he liked it. There was only one exception.

Sitting on Hammond's desk when he had come in was a simple note. It read, "General, taking Alfred out to movies. Can't do anything about it, nation's orders and all. -Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF." He wouldn't put it past the colonel and the nation to have planned this together. Sometimes, the similarities between the two gave him a headache. Hammond loved his country, but he found himself eager for when Alfred would go back to doing whatever he normally did.

"Airman Lee, come in here," he waited for the young man to step inside and salute him. Hammond quickly returned it. "I want you to give a message to the sentries. Tell them the second Colonel O'Neill steps into this mountain I want him in my office before he has time to make a smart remark."

"Yes, sir," the airman saluted and left.

Maybe, he could put SG-1 on guard duty of the embarkation room broom closet. It was a very important job. After guarding, they would have to sweep the embarkation room. Then, scrub it with tooth brushes. Knowing his luck, SG-1 would be in the middle of saving the Earth from some threat or another. Still, it was nice to imagine them scrubbing the embarkation room while he was mad at them.


	2. Jack's Avoidance, Ianto's Annoyance

Disclaimer: Please see Chapter One for all disclaimers. This chapter was written by Vampire's Phoenix!

"Yes sir...No he...Yes I know but...Yes Sir. I'll see to it, sir."

It took every bit of Ianto's patience and professionalism not to throw the phone through the glass separating his boss' office from the rest of the hub. Arthur wasn't one to easily lose his patience but for some reason when Jack entered the equation, everything became a random variable. For some reason every time Jack and Arthur came within a reasonable distance, or even spoke over the phone, the conversation progressed into a shouting match. It was worse than Jack's calls to UNIT. At least then Ianto could usually take over and calm everyone's nerves. There was a particularly memorable event that involved Ianto's stopwatch and a pair of handcuffs they had salvaged from a destroyed Mara ship...

No! This time thoughts of what he and his boss used to do together would not deter his frustration and annoyance. This time Jack had gone too far. Though honestly you'd think Arthur would have gotten used to Jack's style of 51st century flirting. It wasn't as though Jack meant it half the time...sort of. Jack flirted with everything with a pulse, no matter who or what they were. It was just who he was...even if it drove Ianto crazy.

He sat down on the couch next to Jack's desk. Currently Jack and Gwen were gone, inspecting some sort of glowing rock a kid found just outside of Splott. Owen was autopsying a dead alien that had been washed up by the Rift and Toshiko was working on a new program for Rift activity detection. Ianto had been ordered to stay behind to search the archives for anything that could be related to the rock. There was nothing, he could have told Jack right then and there, but Jack had been adamant that he go only with Gwen. As he usually did as of late.

Ianto collapsed back on the couch. Jack had been gone for a month...gone with that Doctor of his. It had only been two weeks sine he had been back and already the ex-Time Agent had swooned in like he had never been gone. It was as though everything had gone back to the way it was, Jack and Gwen included. Ianto sighed with frustration. They had not slept together since the immortal man had returned. Every night Ianto went home alone, though he would not falter in his decisions. He wasn't about to let Jack back in so easily.

He stood when he heard the hub alarms alerted the return of Jack and Gwen, with a rather large glowing box. Ianto steeled himself before going out to deliver the verdict from Arthur. Jack had avoided this for long enough. It was time to pay the piper.


	3. Wrong Jack

Author's Note: Yoohoo, chapter by VampirePaladin here.

Alfred sat at the bar with three humans and one alien. The movie had been great in his awesome opinion. It had involved car chases, explosions, an evil villain and had ended with the dashing American hero together with the hot British librarian that wore sweaters that were too tight. Jack's opinion was pretty much the same as Alfred's. Samantha kept on bringing up how this or that science thing doesn't work that way. America thought she had enjoyed sitting next to Jack and sharing popcorn anyways. Daniel was half drunk and had begun to recite something in Greek. Alfred had been excited when he first met Daniel. Even before they had made the Stargate work, he had been a firm believer in Daniel's theory that the pyramids had been landing platforms for alien spaceships. Teal'c... well he was just Teal'c.

Alfred was sketching on one of the bar napkins with a pen he had borrowed from Daniel. They were a mix of Egyptian hieroglyphics and some Celtic symbols he had seen when innocently looking through one of Arthur's spell books. Archaeology fascinated the young country. The Stargate represented the chance for him to get a glimpse of countries that he was too young to have met at earlier points in their lives. The only other countries that knew about the Stargate were Canada and Russia. Canada because they shared Cheyenne Mountain and Russia because of certain incidents. He thought Arthur would like it too. It made him just a bit sad that he could not tell the rest of the world about the Stargate. He was sure that the others would love to go to other planets and see what some of their transplanted people had turned out like. Actually, America thought he would call England and see how he was doing.

America pulled out his cellphone and dialed in England's cell phone number. He had it memorized. He would not waste a slot that could be spent on Bob's Pizza Parlor on eyebrows the magnificent. Of course it was only because the two countries were close allies, it was not like they were friends or anything. The older nation picked up on the third ring.

"What is it, Alfred?" the older nation sounded like he was in a pretty bad mood. America was undeterred.

"Hey Arthur, did you see the newest movie I just released? It is awesome! There is even a British character who likes boring stuff like you."

"Thank you, I'll make a point not to see it."

"Well, Jack liked it too." America thought he heard the sound of tea being spit out. Was it something he said?

"You know Jack?" England demanded.

"Well, yeah-"

"That bastard. That Yankee bastard. Did he do anything to you, Alfred?"

"No," Alfred was confused, "why would-"

"I knew I should have thrown him into prison a century ago. Don't worry, Alfred. I'll make him pay." The line went dead.

Alfred had no clue what was going on. All he knew was that England had suddenly gone all protective older brother and America had no idea why.


	4. Aww Crap

"Ianto? Is something wrong?" Jack asked as the Welshman walked over to him, making sure to hide the longing. Ianto rarely ever went into his office anymore unless it was to deliver coffee or reports. Gone were the intimate touches, the smoky looks or even the quick shag before going back to work. As it was, Ianto barely ever spoke to him anymore unless it was work related. It hurt, a lot, but Jack wouldn't push Ianto no matter how much he wanted to kiss the other man breathless. After his time on the Valiant, Jack had done some serious thinking. He wanted a better relationship that what he had had with Ianto before. He couldn't go back to the impersonal sex that they used to have. If anything his Year in Hell had shown him that he needed to cherish the time he had with the man he...cared about. Even if that meant they were only friends.

Before Jack could sink into the depression that he had to deal with since the Valiant, Gwen heaved the box carrying the glowing rock onto Tosh's desk. "I scanned it with the equipment you gave me and I couldn't find anything unusual." She shrugged. "Besides the glowing that is."

Tosh smiled. "I can do a more detailed scan now that it's here but I don't think it's dangerous." She turned to Ianto as Owen came up out of Autopsy. "Well? How bad is it?"

Jack and Gwen looked at Ianto in confusion. Ianto, however, gave Jack a small smile which chilled the immortal's blood. Tosh, Gwen and Owen shuddered. Ianto may look like a helpless teaboy, but that innocent smile belied the true evil beneath.

Ianto was going to enjoy every bit of this. It was time for Jack to get what was coming to him. "Arthur called." He said in a sort of sing-song tone.

Jack paled. Tosh and Owen cringed. Gwen resisted the urge to faint. While Jack had been gone Gwen had dealt with the irate nation in their leader's absence. Arthur was a polite person to deal with normally, but Jack's sudden departure had caused him to lose his temper more than once.

Jack cringed. Whatever the reason Arthur called, it never boded well for him. Especially after his disappearing act with the Doctor. He wondered why the nation didn't like the bicardial alien too much. Sure, the alien attacks on London at Christmas DID tend to be connected to the Doctor...but still.

He would have to suck it up and deal with the irate nation. "So, what did he want?" Meanwhile he was resisting the urge to hide in his office. It wasn't that he hated Arthur. Far from it. He had a very nice ass and was so cute when he blushed. It was Arthur who detested him. Jack couldn't understand it. Was it the flirting?

The fact that Ianto's evil smile remained didn't make Jack any less uncomfortable. "He's actually-"

His words were cut off as the hub alarms sounded and the cog door rolled open. The team turned as one to the door, ready to act. Only one person was capable of getting into the hub without setting off lockdown. Jack paled even further as he realized what was about to happen to him. Although the worst part had to be was that he had no idea how the irate nation would kill him. He looked around madly for an escape route, but his traiterous team were blocking every exit. No one moved as Arthur stalked into the hub. Before anyone could do anything Arthur promptly stalked over and punched Jack right in the face.

Jack fell to the floor with a thud. The others just looked on in shock. In all the times Arthur lost his temper not once had he resorted to physical violence. Arthur was seething, literally red-faced with steam coming out of his ears. No one moved or made a sound for fear of being the next victim. Arthur's eyes glinted, murder written clearly within them. No matter what he had to do, he was clearly going to make sure Jack never ressurected from death.

Jack finally came back to his wits and stood, stepping away as Arthur tried to lunge at him again.

"YOU PERVERT! DAMNED YANKEE SON OF A BITCH! I SHOULD HAVE CUT YOU TO PIECES AND BURIED YOU UNDER TWENTY FEET OF CEMENT A CENTURY AGO! HOLD STILL SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Arthur screamed, lunging at the immortal man with hands outstretched to wrap around his neck.

Jack brought up his hands in a feeble attempt to placate the nation. "WHOA! What the hell did I do! I know you're pissed that I was gone, but-" He cut himself off and dived behind Ianto for protection. The Welshman made no move to expose him. He never expected Arthur to be this mad. Yes he had sounded angry on the phone but this? Arthur was making numerous threats against Jack's life, some involving a certain red clad vampire who worked mostly out of London. Ianto had to cringe at the vulgarity coming from the personification.

Ianto held up his hands in a calming manner. "Sir, please calm yourself. What did Jack do this time?" He bit back the smirk at Jack's annoyed grumbles of, 'I didn't do anything this time.' He was determined not to have bloodshed in the Hub. It was a bitch to clean.

Arthur stopped in place. He wasn't mad enough to hurt Ianto. He liked the Welshman. He was polite, intelligent, and made a damn good cup of coffee. Ianto Jones' coffee was the only coffee Arthur EVER drank. But by God he was going to KILL Harkness no matter what it took!

He smoothed his rumpled suit but was still extremely pissed. "That, that, THING!" He pointed at Jack. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM ALFRED! YOU HEAR ME YOU TWAT! YOU CROSSED THE LINE THIS TIME YOU SEX-OBSESSED NYMPHO! I SWEAR IF YOU DID ANYTHING TO HIM I'LL-"

"Who the hell is Alfred?" Arthur halted in his rant. He blinked a few times at Owen, who had asked the question.

When Arthur mentioned the other nation, a light bulb went off in his head. Jack saw this as an opportunity to tell his side of the story...and save his arse from one of 2,978 possible deaths Arthur has so far threatened him with. "I swear I've never gone near him!" The rest of the team looked at him in confusion while Arthur looked disbelieving. "I swear on my vortex manipulator! I've never gone near Alfred. Torchwood had to be kept a secret from America and it has. I haven't jeopardized that, I swear!"

Arthur couldn't think straight. It didn't make sense. Alfred had specifically mentioned...well, he had said, 'Jack,' but who else could he have meant? But he had made it absolutely clear that America was to have no knowledge of Torchwood, only UNIT and that was an accident. Jack, as bad as he was, knew the importance of that secrecy. As furious as he was, he had to concede that Jack might be telling the truth.

So, then who the hell was Alfred talking about?


End file.
